These thoughts are sometimes disturbing, they are sometimes liberating but most of the time they leave you wondering...wondering if what you believe in is real, true and right. wondering if other people ever get these thoughts in their head. These thoughts seem to go in circles in your mind too..it is hard to explain but I will give it a try. I will start with my first thought and move through all of the thoughts. Some of them were actually a part of a prayer to God asking Him to help me understand these strange thoughts in my mind.
My first thought came as I was just thinking about death. I was thinking how truly scary the thought of death is. Then my thoughts turned to what comes after death. Is there truly a Heaven? Can I handle the thought that there might not be anything after death? No I cannot, that thought made me feel very scared and sad. So I went back to wondering about Heaven and thinking about what Heaven is.
Heaven to me is a place where people go if they obey God and do as He wishes them to do, they follow His rules. Heaven is paradise, I am not sure what kind of paradise. I wonder a lot of times if we will have bodies there or just be these ghostly spirits flying about. I do believe that Heaven will be perfection and well, somewhere I truly want to be.
My mind then took me then to the question of, "what if none of it is true, what if the Bible is not true, what if God is not real? Then what? We live, we die, end of story." my mind could not fathom that at all. It was a very scary thought, as scary as the thought that I might not go to Heaven, as scary as the thought of gong to Hell where I will live in eternal regret. That is one scary thought. It all felt so overwhelming.
So then my mind wondered what is the true path to Heaven? I mean. all churches think they have it, they all believe in their hearts that they are the true church and they are the ones who will be with God in the end. I used to know what I believe and most of the time I still do, but these strange times when my mind is wondering, I wonder.....do I really understand? What do I really believe? Is it enough? Does it really matter?
I know so many wonderful people who are all on different paths to Heaven, so which is right? Which one of these amazing people I love will end up in Hell? What will get them there? I do not want anyone I love to go there. That thought breaks my heart. I think then of myself and know I do not want to be there. Then I go back to wanting to be sure I know how to get there. I want to be on the right path. The Bible is a very confusing book that opens the door to many different interpretations. Which one is right? Which are wrong? Every person who believes they are on the right path believes that as strongly as the other.
I also wondered why God did this, why we are even here? I mean is he sitting there watching his little subjects as we all struggle in one way or another? If God did not put us here, then again, why are we here? What is the point of all of this if we live and then we die?
My mind also went to reincarnation, yes I actually wondered if somehow we die and come back again in another body. Of course I do not believe this, but my mind did approach that thought this morning. It was yet another overwhelming though, that I die and come back in another body.
To be dead is like being asleep, it is a realm that we really will not even know but I think of the fact that there someday will be no me here on this earth, I will no longer feel or think these thoughts, I will no longer exist... and again, I'm overwhelmed.
Back my mind goes then to Heaven and Hell, different beliefs and why God did not make the road to paradise easier? Not really easier but the understanding of the Bible easier. Why isn't it clear that we just do this or that and we make it to Heaven? Why is it such a puzzle? Did He not want everyone to make it to Heaven? If so, why does He feel that some should go while others don't make it? The Bible is confusing and there are so many ways to interpret it. So who is right, who is wrong? Where will I end up?
Finally I had to stop thinking, I had to pray to God because I do believe He is real even if I do doubt things sometimes. I believe the Bible is real but do questions some interpretations and find it hard to understand a lot in the Bible. I do wonder sometimes about those who interpreted it and wrote it, did they get it exact? I am not sure, the only thing I am sure of is that I do want to make it to Heaven and I want those I love to make it there too. I also know that in 50 years none of this will no longer matter to me and this morning as I was thinking about that I wondered again about the idea that I will just be sleeping and be no more...or existing forever in Hell.
I know for me if the Bible just said clearly that I should do this, and better not do that, I would gladly obey. I do not kill nor want to kill, because of God and it is wrong, I do not steal because the Bible states clearly that it is wrong but then there are other things that are in the grey area and those are things that could send a person to Hell, so those are the things that scare me when I am pondering it all.
In one Bible verse it says that it is wrong to cut your hair if you are a woman, in another verse it says that it is wrong to eat shellfish, then in another it says if a child disobeys, he is to be stoned to death. (I am not quoting verses here because this is not a biblical article, it is an article about my thoughts and how confused they can become) Most women cut their hair, many eat shellfish, and I can't think of anyone who stones to death a disobedient child. So which law do we choose to follow? Do we just follow the commandments and also show care and love as Christ did when He walked the Earth? Those are the things that baffle me most of all.
I think that is why God said we could not handle knowing everything, it would drive us mad. I know He did not say that in those exact words but that is what He meant. It does make me feel like I am a bit "mad" the crazy kind of mad, when I try to fathom and ponder the point of it all.
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