Being Sad Does not Mean Ungrateful

     I really wanted to go look at Halloween lights I'd seen on social media. There were some homes that looked amazing. I thought it would be fun to get some pictures. But I didn't want to go alone.  

     As I was driving home from my second job I thought  of how I used to call my mom and say "you want to go to a movie tonight? Or for a walk, or out to eat?" She was always ready to go if she felt up to it. She would get dressed and be ready when I got home. Tonight I wanted to go to the lights and it broke my heart because I can no longer call my mom and say "get ready, lets go." She would have been so excited to go look at the lights. Actually when I saw them on social media and showed her we would have made a plan.

    However as I drove home I thought of the lights and all of the things that I miss. Not just the big things but the small, everyday things that have changed so much in my life all alone without my mom. The things I miss so much. The things that hurt so bad it feels like someone is sitting hard on my chest trying to crush it. These little things don't hit out of the blue, they are there every single day in one way or another.  Somedays I can hold back the tears, other times the tears flow freely always with sobs. 

    This sadness does not mean I am not grateful for all of the times I spent with my mom. I am grateful for the many things my mom and I did together. I will always feel blessed to have had her as my mom and best friend. I am so lucky. That does not mean the things I miss out on aren't sad, aren't heartbreaking and sometimes unbearable.

    So tonight I wanted to go see Halloween lights, being unable to call my mom and have her get ready to go made me very sad but not ungrateful, just sad.