Earlier I wrote about recognizing the wall of negativity in life so that you can tear it down to see the positives on the other side. I have been so consumed by negative feelings lately that I just can’t seem to break through to the positives in my life that I know are on the other side of the wall. I can identify them and remember them but the negative is so strong that I can’t seem to truly see them. This makes it hard to get through each day. It is difficult to function, to complete every day activities and to simply feel good. I am sad, miserable and much of the time angry. I tell myself I have so much to be thankful for and I should not let things get to me, to make me so angry. I work on it, pray on it and think I have things under control until I look at the wall and see those bricks as so very strong.
Now my goal is to knock them down. To throw them from my wall so that it is no longer blocking my view of the positives lurking on the other side. I am sure this will be a regular process beause negavie things are powerful, they seem to grab us when we are not expecting them and knock the ground from under us hwne we are already down.
My negatives might not be as bad as other people are experiencing but they are mine, they are what has built this wall and what keep it stong. My negative might outnumber the positives rignt now but once I start throwin them from the wall I might just be alble to forget them and eventually toss them away.
Some of my negatives are not something I will put out there pubically. They are rough and things that I am really working on. I know what they are, I know my struggles and I think those negatives that we must keep to ourselves are the ones that might remain in our wall but that is ok as long as we remove enough to see the positives on the other side.
My first negative that I can write about here is that one sorrow I feel over my kids growing up and no longer wanting me to be a part of their lives. That I think is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. It hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so very much and I want to be as important to them as they are to me. I thought moving in with my oldest would make us close again but he has no time for me, he seems bothered if I try to talk to him and I feel like I am just a bother most of the time.
My youngest and I used to be extremely close but for the last couple of years that has ended too. I moved away and he is still in Colorado so that makes it even harder but he has his own life which also does not include me. I think though that we could still have a good visit someday however just do not feel that important.
Finances are some of the main bricks in my wall moving has completely drained me and destroyed me financially to the point I am not sure I will ever recover unless I get a second job.
I live with people who keep me angry all of the time, I don’t like feeling that angry but lazy and dirty just make me angry. I might not be as stressed over it if I didn’t have so many other bricks in my wall.
I miss my grandson terribly. He has been such an important part of my life since he was born and now I don’t see him as much as I want to. I blame myself for leaving but yet I do not want to go back to Colorado. He is the joy of my life though, he loves me still so very much so it is hard not being around him all of the time.
My job is one of the biggest negatives in my life. I hate it, I feel inadequate and so much pressure there. Every day I have to go is pure torture. It is torture getting out of bed to go there and the entire day is torture while I am there. The only time I am happy during the week is when I get off. The people are nice enough but don’t really let you in…so it is lonely.
I think loneliness is one of the other negatives now that is bothering me most of all. I thought it would be neat to be near friends here in Arizona but they all live on the other side of the city. I thought I would visit my son some but like I said, he never wants to be bothered by me. I am just in the way.
Now that I have recognized the negatives, the things that keep me in constant turmoil I will look at the positives.
The biggest is that my mom loves me more than anything in the world. I know that and I feel it. I enjoy when I am with her and she is my best friend.
The other is my sweet little grandson who loves me unconditionally, he needs me and he loves to spend time with me.
I am earning money at my job.
God loves me.
I have some great friends back in Colorado and New Mexico who truly truly love and care about me.
I have a roof over my head.
I have a car to drive.
I have food to eat.
I have lost some weight due to the stress so stress can be good.
That is all I can think of for now. I will edit and add as I think of things. Hopefully this will help me focus on the positives and I hope the negative bricks are now on the ground.