Earlier I wrote
about recognizing the wall of negativity in life so that you can tear it down
to see the positives on the other side. I have been so consumed by negative
feelings lately that I just can’t seem to break through to the positives in my
life that I know are on the other side of the wall. I can identify them and
remember them but the negative is so strong that I can’t seem to truly see them. This makes it
hard to get through each day. It is difficult to function, to complete every
day activities and to simply feel good. I am sad, miserable and much of the
time angry. I tell myself I have so much to be thankful for and I should not
let things get to me, to make me so angry. I work on it, pray on it and think I
have things under control until I look at the wall and see those bricks as so
very strong.
Now my goal is to
knock them down. To throw them from my wall so that it is no longer blocking my
view of the positives lurking on the other side. I am sure this will be a
regular process beause negavie things are powerful, they seem to grab us when
we are not expecting them and knock the ground from under us hwne we are
already down.
My negatives
might not be as bad as other people are experiencing but they are mine, they
are what has built this wall and what keep it stong. My negative might
outnumber the positives rignt now but once I start throwin them from the wall I
might just be alble to forget them and eventually toss them away.
Some of my
negatives are not something I will put out there pubically. They are rough and
things that I am really working on. I know what they are, I know my struggles
and I think those negatives that we must keep to ourselves are the ones that
might remain in our wall but that is ok as long as we remove enough to see the
positives on the other side.
My first negative
that I can write about here is that one sorrow I feel over my kids growing up
and no longer wanting me to be a part of their lives. That I think is one of
the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. It hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes
I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so very much and I want to be as important
to them as they are to me. I thought
moving in with my oldest would make us close again but he has no time
for me, he seems bothered if I try to talk to him and I feel like I am just a
bother most of the time.
My youngest and I
used to be extremely close but for the last couple of years that has ended too.
I moved away and he is still in Colorado so that makes it even harder but he
has his own life which also does not include me. I think though that we could
still have a good visit someday however just do not feel that important.
Finances are some
of the main bricks in my wall moving has completely drained me and destroyed me
financially to the point I am not sure I will ever recover unless I get a
second job.
I live with
people who keep me angry all of the time, I don’t like feeling that angry but
lazy and dirty just make me angry. I might not be as stressed over it if I didn’t
have so many other bricks in my wall.
I miss my
grandson terribly. He has been such an important part of my life since he was
born and now I don’t see him as much as I want to. I blame myself for leaving
but yet I do not want to go back to Colorado. He is the joy of my life though,
he loves me still so very much so it is hard not being around him all of the
time.
My job is one of
the biggest negatives in my life. I hate it, I feel inadequate and so much
pressure there. Every day I have to go is pure torture. It is torture getting out
of bed to go there and the entire day is torture while I am there. The only
time I am happy during the week is when I get off. The people are nice enough
but don’t really let you in…so it is lonely.
I think loneliness
is one of the other negatives now that is bothering me most of all. I thought
it would be neat to be near friends here in Arizona but they all live on the
other side of the city. I thought I would visit my son some but like I said, he
never wants to be bothered by me. I am just in the way.
Now that I have
recognized the negatives, the things that keep me in constant turmoil I will
look at the positives.
The biggest is
that my mom loves me more than anything in the world. I know that and I feel
it. I enjoy when I am with her and she is my best friend.
The other is my
sweet little grandson who loves me unconditionally, he needs me and he loves to
spend time with me.
I am earning
money at my job.
God loves me.
I have some great
friends back in Colorado and New Mexico who truly truly love and care about me.
I have a roof
over my head.
I have a car to
drive.
I have food to
eat.
I have lost some
weight due to the stress so stress can be good.
That is all I can
think of for now. I will edit and add as I think of things. Hopefully this will
help me focus on the positives and I hope the negative bricks are now on the
ground.
https://kimsiscstuff.blogspot.com/2017/11/reconizing-wall-of-negativity-is-first.html
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