Recognizing the Negatives to See the Positives

     Earlier I wrote about recognizing the wall of negativity in life so that you can tear it down to see the positives on the other side. I have been so consumed by negative feelings lately that I just can’t seem to break through to the positives in my life that I know are on the other side of the wall. I can identify them and remember them but the negative is so strong that  I can’t seem to truly see them. This makes it hard to get through each day. It is difficult to function, to complete every day activities and to simply feel good. I am sad, miserable and much of the time angry. I tell myself I have so much to be thankful for and I should not let things get to me, to make me so angry. I work on it, pray on it and think I have things under control until I look at the wall and see those bricks as so very strong.

     Now my goal is to knock them down. To throw them from my wall so that it is no longer blocking my view of the positives lurking on the other side. I am sure this will be a regular process beause negavie things are powerful, they seem to grab us when we are not expecting them and knock the ground from under us hwne we are already down.

     My negatives might not be as bad as other people are experiencing but they are mine, they are what has built this wall and what keep it stong. My negative might outnumber the positives rignt now but once I start throwin them from the wall I might just be alble to forget them and eventually toss them away.

     Some of my negatives are not something I will put out there pubically. They are rough and things that I am really working on. I know what they are, I know my struggles and I think those negatives that we must keep to ourselves are the ones that might remain in our wall but that is ok as long as we remove enough to see the positives on the other side.

     My first negative that I can write about here is that one sorrow I feel over my kids growing up and no longer wanting me to be a part of their lives. That I think is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. It hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so very much and I want to be as important to them as they are to me. I thought  moving in with my oldest would make us close again but he has no time for me, he seems bothered if I try to talk to him and I feel like I am just a bother most of the time.

     My youngest and I used to be extremely close but for the last couple of years that has ended too. I moved away and he is still in Colorado so that makes it even harder but he has his own life which also does not include me. I think though that we could still have a good visit someday however just do not feel that important.

     Finances are some of the main bricks in my wall moving has completely drained me and destroyed me financially to the point I am not sure I will ever recover unless I get a second job.

     I live with people who keep me angry all of the time, I don’t like feeling that angry but lazy and dirty just make me angry. I might not be as stressed over it if I didn’t have so many other bricks in my wall.

     I miss my grandson terribly. He has been such an important part of my life since he was born and now I don’t see him as much as I want to. I blame myself for leaving but yet I do not want to go back to Colorado. He is the joy of my life though, he loves me still so very much so it is hard not being around him all of the time.

     My job is one of the biggest negatives in my life. I hate it, I feel inadequate and so much pressure there. Every day I have to go is pure torture. It is torture getting out of bed to go there and the entire day is torture while I am there. The only time I am happy during the week is when I get off. The people are nice enough but don’t really let you in…so it is lonely.

      I think loneliness is one of the other negatives now that is bothering me most of all. I thought it would be neat to be near friends here in Arizona but they all live on the other side of the city. I thought I would visit my son some but like I said, he never wants to be bothered by me. I am just in the way.

     Now that I have recognized the negatives, the things that keep me in constant turmoil I will look at the positives.

     The biggest is that my mom loves me more than anything in the world. I know that and I feel it. I enjoy when I am with her and she is my best friend.

    The other is my sweet little grandson who loves me unconditionally, he needs me and he loves to spend time with me.

     I am earning money at my job.

     God loves me.

     I have some great friends back in Colorado and New Mexico who truly truly love and care about me.

     I have a roof over my head.

     I have a car to drive.

     I have food to eat.

     I have lost some weight due to the stress so stress can be good.

     That is all I can think of for now. I will edit and add as I think of things. Hopefully this will help me focus on the positives and I hope the negative bricks are now on the ground.

https://kimsiscstuff.blogspot.com/2017/11/reconizing-wall-of-negativity-is-first.html

Reconizing the Wall of Negativity is the First Step to Knocking it Down

     Sometimes in life the negatives seem to overcome us. They become these bricks that slowly build  this sturdy wall that seems to define us, becomes the essence of our being whether we want it to be or not. We try and try to knock the wall down but with every small brick we remove, the negatives march in making it stronger.  We feel like there are more negatives than positives, there are more bricks that are providing the foundation for our wall of negativity than ways of tearing it down.

       Each of these bricks are the  negatives  that make us feel angry, upset, so angry and upset that we feel shaky inside, and sick inside. These negatives strangle us most of the time making it hard to breathe. These are negatives that consume us, overwhelm us, and make it hard to see through them to the positives.

     Maybe, just maybe though while we are living through these times where the wall of negatives are clouding our view of the positives it is necessary to recognize them, to own them so that we can truly knock them down. You can’t lie and say they are not there because, they are. Each and every brick is there no matter how hard we try to deny it. The more you try to ignore them, the stronger they become, the more they become the foundation of our being, the meaning of who we are. That is not healthy, it is not how life should be but the wall is so powerful at times you just can’t seem to knock it down. 

     People say you should count your blessings. You try and you try to count them because you know that there are many blessings in life however, you fail over and over and over again. You count those blessings but the wall is stronger than you are and it is still there because while you see the positives on the other side each and every brick is still holding strong clouding your view.

     So once you know the bricks are in place and the wall is strong it is time to find a way to weaken the wall. Possibly the only way is to look at each brick in the wall one by one, accept the fact that they are there, that the wall is there, so you can toss it away making the wall weaker as you go. This process will not happen swiftly, the wall did not go up in a day. It took years to build, years of negatives, yeas of anger and years of frustration. So we can’t expect it to come down overnight. We just have to recognize each brick as we toss it aside. In the end the negatives might still remain a part of life, the bricks may be there because we do not always have control over the negatives in life but we can control how the bricks are placed. By recognizing them and realizing that they exist making us angry, upset and sometimes just plain livid, we are able to scatter them around so that we have a clear view of the positives on the other side.

     I have reached a point in my life where the negatives are consuming me. I have that sensation of deep anger, the anger and frustration that make me ill, strangles me most of the time making it hard to breathe. The anger that wakes me up at night, consumes my daily thoughts and has become a wall so tall I am unable to see the positives on the other side even though I count them often, even though I know they are there. The wall has consumed me and it is time to knock it down scattering the bricks around me because many of them will not go away, they just need to stop being a part of the wall.