Year one of grief is accepting they are gone. It’s a numb existence of going through the motions.
Year two is learning how to live in the world without them. It’s harder than year one because the numbness has worn off. While I was in it there were times it was unbearable and so much harder than year one.
I am not far into year three yet, but am discovering as I am managing year three, that so far year three is actually starting to live without them.
In some ways it’s the hardest. I thought year two was hard but I find many of the year 3 emotions are stronger and harsher.
It is the year that is filled with the most guilt so far because I am doing things my mom wanted to do or I planned to do with her – without her.
As I step out of my comfort zone (because for two years I have been unable to do things I used to do with my mom) and start to live again because that’s what I need to do even when I am not sure how to do it.
During quiet times when I have nothing to do but think, guilt consumes me. I look around at the world and the feelings of guilt are overwhelming. How can the world keep going without her in it? How can my world keep going without her in it? How can I do things without her? How can I feel happy when she is not here? Am I forgetting her? How can I move on when she is gone?
Maybe that’s why I find myself mindlessly scrolling social media.
It occupies my mind so that I don’t have to think.
In year three I am slowly moving forward but it feels wrong.
I know she wants this for me but yet I am so overwhelmed by thoughts of doing things without her.
It almost feels like I am betraying her memory and at times the pain of that is so exhausting.
Year three is also feeling like I am broken, One minute I know what I want, the next I have no clue. I should be less confused by now, more sure of myself right? But most of the time I feel so lost and confused. I know I am not broken but sometimes it feels that way.
The third year anniversaries without them, third holidays etc. are still hard. I don't know if those times will ever get easier. I do expect them to be emotional times now so maybe that makes them easier to manage.
Year three is also such a terrible longing.
I have accepted she is not coming back, I still look for her sometimes and I still forget she is gone and go to call her. In year three I am learning what I have to do to move on and starting to do it but oh how I long to hear her voice, touch her face, hug her.
It feels like it’s been forever since I've seen her and that’s a pain that I can’t even explain. It can only be understood once you go through it. I miss her so much.
I think in year three you do get better at hiding the pain even though much of the time your heart is still breaking.
It’s like I have two emotional beings inside me. One is happy and moving on while the other me is sad, wants to stay in the grief and longs for my mom. Both live inside of my heart at the same time and it can be conflicting.
Year 3 grief is still messy and all over the place but I am learning how to carry it better even though sometimes it hurts more.
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