This past year has been one of the most difficult times in my life. I will not say the most difficult because I have had some very difficult times but it has been very challenging. In the past I have had a good support system at my disposal. This time I had a support system but for the most of the time it was from afar so I had to deal with things on my own. It was not easy.I moved to a new town, started a new job with pretty much no support system at all. No one to tell me things would be ok when I felt down. No one to tell me that I should not give up. Yes I had family and friends from afar and am so thankful for that but sometimes you need that support system where you are.
So when I say I did not have a support system in this post, I mean one right there, one to lean on where I was.
The entire move was not what I thought it would be. The cost was way more than I imagined leaving me in the hole and broke for quite some time.
The job was definitely not what I thought it would be. I did not make friends right away like i had in the past. I have never had trouble making friends but I did in this new place that I was hoping to call home.
I moved where my oldest son is and rented a home with him for a while thinking that we would do things together but, really that is unrealistic and I understand his need to have his own life but it was hard at first not being a huge part of that life. He does include me sometimes and that is amazing but not as much as I had hoped for at first. This would make me sad.
I have friends and some family in the new city area but the distance made it harder than I had thought. They are all at least an hour away from me so we have to really make plans to be able to spend time together which is difficult when we all have different schedules.
Things back home with my adult child that was left there were not great and my home there was not being taken care of either which was costing me money as well.
There were many times in the beginning that I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there, weekends I did not want to do anything except feel sorry for myself because nothing was going as I had hoped. Things were desperate and dismal. I felt alone, lonely and defeated.
I did not give into those feelings though, I tried and tried to make plans on weekends when I did not work, If I could not find anyone to do things with I did things alone which was something new for me. Granted I was used to doing things on my own but I usually had my kids with me so was never really alone. All of the sudden I was alone, just me. I did not like it, but I did it.
I finally realized that my son needed his own life and did not let him actually living it hurt me anymore I simply tried to find one of my own in this new home. For a long time it was not working well and I really wanted to give up but,I kept going...
Work because progressively worse, you would think things would get better but they did not. ( the job is a later blog) I cried at work, I cried when I got home at night and I cried before I went. I would drive to work fighting back tears. I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day long but knew that I could not do that. I signed a contract and needed the job. There were many times though that I considered just throwing in the towel.
Things in Colorado also were not getting better, they were getting worse. Money was also getting progressively worse too. I felt lost, discouraged and extremely worried!
Instead of being depressed though I would find simple things to do such as go to the store after work and just walk around. I would also still find things to do on the weekends even if they were alone. I did not give myself time to feel sad.
Finally I did make a couple of friends at my new home and that made things much easier. I did lean on my support system in Colorado and New Mexico more too as well as the family I have on the other side of the city.
Now I am doing better, the job is over, I do things with friends sometimes, I have made it a point to get together with my cousin on the other side of the city once in a while...every month or two which helps a lot. My friend who lives next door is a great source of help too. Before work was done I had a support system which helped me make it through the difficult year.
I do get worried and distressed because the job hunt is not going well at all. My youngest kid has decided to no longer have anything to do with me. There are days when I want to just give up but, I am not going to let these difficult times define me. I am going to live life, enjoy things and move forward. I can't imagine how life would be if I had given into those difficult times.
My main point is that life can be hard, there are times you just want to give into the difficult times but, don't! Find ways to make it better, and if you can't make it better just keep doing things to keep busy so you don't have time to dwell on the things that are wrong with life. Don't let the difficult times define you, they are difficult times, not who you are.
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