Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Walking Down Memory Lane Brings Smile and Tears

     Today as I was looking for a picture of myself dressed as Princess Leah I took a walk down memory lane. As I took this walk I realized that no amount of time could pass that makes the pain of losing a loved one go away. Yes time helps us deal with the pain but it is never gone.
     I decided to find the copy of myself as Leah because of the sadness I feel at Carrie Fishers passing today. I loved her as Leah, she was an inspiration. This post is not about her though, I will write a tribute to her later on. This is about my trip through my photos and the memories that flooded my mind as I took that trip.
     I had to go as far back as the early 80's to find the picture of me dressed as Leah. It was back in 1980 actually, Halloween when I worked at McDonalds as a teenager. Of course I had to look at shots from the 80's, and the 90's. Shots of old, retro shots that brought back a flood of memories, tears and yes I felt the sorrow of loss while I also smiled and felt a flood of happiness and love because of the beautiful memories.
     I found pictures of my brother in law first of all, pictures of him and my then husband when we were all having so much fun. The memories that flooded my mind were of the fun we had, of the sorrow I feel that my marriage did not work out, the sadness I feel when I look at my then healthy husband, handsome and young who now looks like he is 90 when he is only 50 resulting from alcohol dementia. The saddest feeling I had surrounding my brother in law though is losing him at such a young age to suicide. I still miss him terribly and wonder what would have been...
     Then I saw pictures of my ex mother in law and father in law who at the time I loved dearly. I smiled at the fun times we had and felt sorrow because my father in law is gone. My mother in law is gone too but we were not close when she died, however I do feel sadness over that because at one time we were very close. I also feel sad that her own son left her to die alone because he "could not handle watching her die." Even though she and I were not close, that thought breaks my heart. I also do miss the fun times we had.
     Other pictures were of family gatherings where my Aunt Ginger and Uncle Jim were there. I was very close to them both and miss them so much every day.
     I found pictures of my cousin Annette V and am sad that she left us so young. I am sad for my dear cousin and his kids at the great loss they feel. It has not been that long since she left us and so it is still new. I miss her great wit and laughter.
     Then there's my aunt Willie, the duncie. Oh how I miss that sweet great aunt of mine. She as so much fun. I remember going on vacations with her and Uncle Winston who I miss too. Aunt Willie and I would fight over sea shells and laugh about it later. We had so much fun in Mesa, Az and just about everything we did.
     I found shots of my Grandma Moore who was so very thoughtful and wise. She always gave my kids a can of olives for their birthday and Christmas because they loved olives and that was all she could afford. Those were the best gifts of all because they came from her heart.
     There are many pictures of my Grandma and Grandpa Butt that made me cry, I miss them so very much. I remember them always holding hands and that makes me smile. I remember grandma getting after him, he is the only person I ever heard her raise her voice to but I knew she loved him dearly. The called each other dear and had a love for each other that I always wished I could find. Grandpa left us many years before grandma. She went to Disneyland with us and many other things. I have so many memories of the times I spent with all of them.
     The flood of memories as I walked down memory lane through my photo albums were sad and beautiful at the same time. They also reminded me that the pain of the loss is just as great today as it was at the time. time just helps us accept and cope with the loss.