Poem-Closer to Okay

  Closer to Okay

I enjoyed life today,

     without guilt creeping in saying its wrong to feel joy.

I felt a small glimmer of hope for a while,

     guilt wasn’t there to push my hope away.

I was happy for an entire day,

     without guilt bringing me down.

I didn’t sob over you today,

     guilt didn’t make my head hurt because I didn’t sob.

I didn’t dwell on losing you today,

     guilt didn’t tell me I am forgetting  you.

This same day, 

I remembered you with a smile.

I loved you with my entire heart.

I missed you by my side.

I wished you were here.

I wanted to talk to you.

I needed your wisdom.

I allowed myself to softly cry.

I realized I can miss you.

I can need you. 

And at the same time, 

I can feel joy,

I can have hope,

all because of you. 

You are always in my heart,

     I will never forget you.

At times I will cry,

    other times I will sob.

There will be times when missing you is unbearable.

There will be times my head throbs as I hold back the tears

   Only to feel relief when I allow them to flow.

     At times guilt will creep in,

But the love you left me 

     will not let it consume me.

Today I give myself the grace

     to move forward 

without forgetting who you were,

                 and who I am.

Because that is the best way

     to honor you and what you meant to me. 

I am not there yet -

But with every passing day

     I get closer.

There are times guilt still creeps in,

     to tell me I am wrong,

to tell me being happy means I am forgetting you.

There are times grief consumes me,

     but with each passing day 

         I move closer to being okay

     without always being okay.

By Kim E. Miller

     This poem was written on March 18, 2025 which is the same day two years ago that my mom woke up crying because she had a dream that this man was reaching for her hand and she didn’t want to go with him. She wasn’t afraid, she just didn’t want to go. She was worried about me, that I would not be ok without her. I had to lie to her and tell her that I would be ok, that she should take his hand if he came to her again. Because I loved her so much and knew for her it was best if she took his hand.  

     Two days later she took His hand.

     It has been so very hard and I have not been ok most of the time. However, I realize as I have gone through my grief journey that honoring her is to make that lie a truth and do what I promised her I would do… be ok. 

     I finally recognize that I will be sad and I will cry but  I can also be happy and live my life without letting her loss consume me. I need to feel the sorrow and do the things we used to do, to be ok with the pain in doing those things instead of avoiding the things we loved.

     The grief is a part of my life now because of the great love but it does not need to define me anymore.

     

     I will never forget her and there will always be a hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. There will be times, places, dates that are extra painful. The time before she left this world is one of the hardest and will most likely always be a time that I re-live and feel the same heartache I felt as I went through watching her die and take her final breath. There will be times when my head throbs because I hold back the tears that need to flow

and the only release is allowing them to flow freely. On the anniversary of her death I will feel the same sorrow as I did the day she died. 

I need to recognize that so I can get through it. I hope in time it doesn’t hurt as much but maybe the anniversary dates, holidays and birthdays will still hurt just as much as the day she died. I will know in time. 

 That is ok and feeling that pain does not mean I am not ok, it means I loved her and I miss her and nothing will ever take her place in my heart.

     This is my new normal, my new life and even though I am sad at times,  I can also be joyful and find hope.That is the best way I can honor her memory and what she would want for me. I am not there yet, it will take more time, I don’t even know how much more time but I am working on it.

     This is my dedication to her memory, what she means to me, Being able to feel joy and find hope again

Arsenic Kitchen - Face To The Floor (Chevelle Cover)

Arsenic Kitchen - Schism (Tool Cover)

Arsenic Kitchen - Air That I Breathe

Arsenic Kitchen - Air That I Breathe

This song is a beautiful tribute to those we have loved who are no longer with us. It is genuine and heartfelt. Arsenic Kitchen did such a beautiful job honoring those we loved who are gone.

Is Google trying to Keep My Money?

     I have tried to contact Google AdSense

to no avail. They had me on hold for an hour today only to say they closed and would not take my call. They then said that I could use their web support.

    Their web support is a joke. There is no way to find a solution to the issue I am having and I see many others are having the same issue.

    When I go to my AdSense account it tells me I need to sign the new terms of service. So, I read them and at the end it just says that an admin needs to sign the account. 

    I am the admin! I am the only one who has used my account and I checked the system, I am using the right Gmail too. There is no reason for it not to let me in.

    This is frustrating enough but to have no way to contact the company is ridiculous. 

    I wonder if they do this so they can keep all of the money people have earned? I mean if you can't get into your account then you can't cash out. So what better way to avoid paying people. Just don't let them into their accounts and provide no way to fix the issue.

    If anyone knows how to contact AdSense or how to sign the terms as the admin that I am please let me know.

    Oh and their solution online is to sign in as a different user. Wait, common sense tells me that I can't sign into my account as someone else. 

   Come on Google get it together and be a better company. 

Being Sad Does not Mean Ungrateful

     I really wanted to go look at Halloween lights I'd seen on social media. There were some homes that looked amazing. I thought it would be fun to get some pictures. But I didn't want to go alone.  

     As I was driving home from my second job I thought  of how I used to call my mom and say "you want to go to a movie tonight? Or for a walk, or out to eat?" She was always ready to go if she felt up to it. She would get dressed and be ready when I got home. Tonight I wanted to go to the lights and it broke my heart because I can no longer call my mom and say "get ready, lets go." She would have been so excited to go look at the lights. Actually when I saw them on social media and showed her we would have made a plan.

    However as I drove home I thought of the lights and all of the things that I miss. Not just the big things but the small, everyday things that have changed so much in my life all alone without my mom. The things I miss so much. The things that hurt so bad it feels like someone is sitting hard on my chest trying to crush it. These little things don't hit out of the blue, they are there every single day in one way or another.  Somedays I can hold back the tears, other times the tears flow freely always with sobs. 

    This sadness does not mean I am not grateful for all of the times I spent with my mom. I am grateful for the many things my mom and I did together. I will always feel blessed to have had her as my mom and best friend. I am so lucky. That does not mean the things I miss out on aren't sad, aren't heartbreaking and sometimes unbearable.

    So tonight I wanted to go see Halloween lights, being unable to call my mom and have her get ready to go made me very sad but not ungrateful, just sad.