Today I Cried
I cried for you today
It’s been a while since I’ve cried
I usually fight back the tears,
when I feel them coming on.
But some days there’s no fighting them.
They flow.
Today I cried -
not because I feel hopeless
not because my life has no joy
I cried because there are things
I want to tell you, but can’t -
It’s hard coming home alone every single day.
I get so very lonesome for the company of others.
Life isn’t going quite as I want it to.
There are things that make me sad.
There are things that are stressful
Most days I feel so very alone
There are times when I am around people
but not people I love,
or who love me.
Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.
I feel unnecessary, like a failure,
like there’s no where I belong,
and sometimes unloved.
I need you to tell me that I am being over sensitive,
that no matter what, you love me.
There are also many things that make me smile,
good things I want to share with you,
about things I find joyful.
That I am slowly finding meaning again,
life is once again worth living.
I miss calling you every night
to tell you about my day,
to ask about yours.
I miss coming home
and having you there to hug.
I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in two years
I miss having someone who loves me unconditionally.
even when I am unlovable.
I miss having a shoulder to cry on
When my heart feels like it’s breaking.
I am trying so very hard to move forward,
but there are times I backslide.
I am trying to find my place in this world without you.
Sometimes I am ok,
Others times I am a mess,
and sometimes I am just scared,
my heart always aches.
I am trying to keep the last promise I made to you and be ok.
Some days it’s just not easy
Some days I am sad.
Sometimes I am not sure I can keep hanging on.
But then I think of the love you gave me
I find the strength to keep going.
Life is hard without you
I am lost so much of the time.
I want to hug you.
I want to hear your voice,
See your smile.
touch your face
tell you how much I love you and miss you.
feel comforted when you tell me it will all be ok.
My heart ached simply
because I miss you so deeply.
So today I cried
because of all these things
that I wanted to tell you
were swirling around,
all mixed up in my head,
heavy on my heart
encompassing me completely.
One thing is different though,
as I cried today.
I didn't cry because I felt broken.
I didn’t cry because I felt hopeless.
You weren't here to tell
all of these things.
That made me cry.