Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Picture Tribute to Disney's Main Street Electrical Parade

     When I was a young child one of my favorite things to do at Disneyland was to watch the electrical parade. As an adult it had the same magic even when it returned to Disney's California Adventure Park.

     Every time we hear the Electrical Parade song we get up and dance. My grandma would even dance in her wheel chair. It is simply, well, magical. Makes you feel happy inside.

     Then in 2010 the parade left Disney's California Adventure Park. We were very sad to see it leave.

     In 2017 the parade returned to Disneyland to everyone excitement! It was wonderful hearing the sounds again and watching it make its magic once again at Disneyland.

     Sadly however the parade left the park in August of 2017 to supposedly retire forever. I hope somehow they bring it back but fear they may not.

      I created a Youtube picture video tribute to the parade that makes people dance and move to to the magic. Its amazing splendor will be missed by all who loved the parade.

Picture Tribute to the Electrical

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Amoeba through Microscope

    Recently my sixth grade students looked at microorganisms. They had a lot of fun with this. One of my studnets found that one of his organisms had really grown so the kids took video of it on their phones. I know they are not the best quality and hard to see but hopefully you get a glimpse of what we saw.

     It was rather interesting. It does shake because well, a phone is not the best recording device.

Amoeba through Microscope 

Fond Christmas Memories Through the Eyes of a Child

     As yet another Christmas Eve is upon us many thoughts entered my mind. First  I was saddened that this I did not have the money to purchase gifts for loved ones. But yet I also thought about the fact when people need things they purchase them or when I want to get something for someone I just get it regardless of the time of year. That promoted  me to thinking that it is silly to go out and buy gifts that I can't afford for people just because it is Christmas.

     All of these thoughts prompted me to look back at the memories of Christmas time I hold dearest to my heart. The gifts I received were nice however those are not the feel good, warm, loving memories I hold dearest to my heart.

     When I think of my fondest memories of Christmas season, those warm fuzzy feeling memories one of the first that comes to mind is when my mom and I used to travel from our home to my grandparents home for Christmas I feel so happy inside when I remember going to my aunt and uncles on Christmas Eve with all of my cousins and then back to grandma and grandpas house. Us kids would go to bed and talk about how excited we were for the next day.

    Christmas morning we woke up to grandma making breakfast, we opened our gifts and then spent the day with family. Sometimes my cousins did not stay all night at grandma and grandpas but the next morning they were there for breakfast and Christmas dinner.

     As time went on and I grew up I still have fond memories of Christmas dinner at grandmas house. I did not have kids yet but still had those warm feelings just being with my family.

   My kids came along so we made our own special memories. These are some of the dearest to my heart. Our memories started a few days before Christmas
some years, we baked cookies, decorated the house and sang Christmas songs.

     Then along came Christmas Eve when we would read books, open one gift and then sing songs. I think the most precious memories are of my kids running into my room telling me it was time to get up to open gifts. The excitement in their eyes as they looked in their stockings and opened their new treasures. Then after their grandma came over for dinner we would play games and just enjoy our day together.

     My kids are now grown so our memories are with my grandson. I find that those precious memories of my childhood were felt through my children and now my grandson.

     When I think back on the Christmas days I hold most dear I do not think of the gifts I received, I loved the gifts but the warm feelings, the best feelings are of the special traditions and memories I made with my family and also the excitement of Christmas through the eyes of a child.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Recognizing the Negatives to See the Positives

     Earlier I wrote about recognizing the wall of negativity in life so that you can tear it down to see the positives on the other side. I have been so consumed by negative feelings lately that I just can’t seem to break through to the positives in my life that I know are on the other side of the wall. I can identify them and remember them but the negative is so strong that  I can’t seem to truly see them. This makes it hard to get through each day. It is difficult to function, to complete every day activities and to simply feel good. I am sad, miserable and much of the time angry. I tell myself I have so much to be thankful for and I should not let things get to me, to make me so angry. I work on it, pray on it and think I have things under control until I look at the wall and see those bricks as so very strong.

     Now my goal is to knock them down. To throw them from my wall so that it is no longer blocking my view of the positives lurking on the other side. I am sure this will be a regular process beause negavie things are powerful, they seem to grab us when we are not expecting them and knock the ground from under us hwne we are already down.

     My negatives might not be as bad as other people are experiencing but they are mine, they are what has built this wall and what keep it stong. My negative might outnumber the positives rignt now but once I start throwin them from the wall I might just be alble to forget them and eventually toss them away.

     Some of my negatives are not something I will put out there pubically. They are rough and things that I am really working on. I know what they are, I know my struggles and I think those negatives that we must keep to ourselves are the ones that might remain in our wall but that is ok as long as we remove enough to see the positives on the other side.

     My first negative that I can write about here is that one sorrow I feel over my kids growing up and no longer wanting me to be a part of their lives. That I think is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. It hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so very much and I want to be as important to them as they are to me. I thought  moving in with my oldest would make us close again but he has no time for me, he seems bothered if I try to talk to him and I feel like I am just a bother most of the time.

     My youngest and I used to be extremely close but for the last couple of years that has ended too. I moved away and he is still in Colorado so that makes it even harder but he has his own life which also does not include me. I think though that we could still have a good visit someday however just do not feel that important.

     Finances are some of the main bricks in my wall moving has completely drained me and destroyed me financially to the point I am not sure I will ever recover unless I get a second job.

     I live with people who keep me angry all of the time, I don’t like feeling that angry but lazy and dirty just make me angry. I might not be as stressed over it if I didn’t have so many other bricks in my wall.

     I miss my grandson terribly. He has been such an important part of my life since he was born and now I don’t see him as much as I want to. I blame myself for leaving but yet I do not want to go back to Colorado. He is the joy of my life though, he loves me still so very much so it is hard not being around him all of the time.

     My job is one of the biggest negatives in my life. I hate it, I feel inadequate and so much pressure there. Every day I have to go is pure torture. It is torture getting out of bed to go there and the entire day is torture while I am there. The only time I am happy during the week is when I get off. The people are nice enough but don’t really let you in…so it is lonely.

      I think loneliness is one of the other negatives now that is bothering me most of all. I thought it would be neat to be near friends here in Arizona but they all live on the other side of the city. I thought I would visit my son some but like I said, he never wants to be bothered by me. I am just in the way.

     Now that I have recognized the negatives, the things that keep me in constant turmoil I will look at the positives.

     The biggest is that my mom loves me more than anything in the world. I know that and I feel it. I enjoy when I am with her and she is my best friend.

    The other is my sweet little grandson who loves me unconditionally, he needs me and he loves to spend time with me.

     I am earning money at my job.

     God loves me.

     I have some great friends back in Colorado and New Mexico who truly truly love and care about me.

     I have a roof over my head.

     I have a car to drive.

     I have food to eat.

     I have lost some weight due to the stress so stress can be good.

     That is all I can think of for now. I will edit and add as I think of things. Hopefully this will help me focus on the positives and I hope the negative bricks are now on the ground.


Reconizing the Wall of Negativity is the First Step to Knocking it Down

     Sometimes in life the negatives seem to overcome us. They become these bricks that slowly build  this sturdy wall that seems to define us, becomes the essence of our being whether we want it to be or not. We try and try to knock the wall down but with every small brick we remove, the negatives march in making it stronger.  We feel like there are more negatives than positives, there are more bricks that are providing the foundation for our wall of negativity than ways of tearing it down.

       Each of these bricks are the  negatives  that make us feel angry, upset, so angry and upset that we feel shaky inside, and sick inside. These negatives strangle us most of the time making it hard to breathe. These are negatives that consume us, overwhelm us, and make it hard to see through them to the positives.

     Maybe, just maybe though while we are living through these times where the wall of negatives are clouding our view of the positives it is necessary to recognize them, to own them so that we can truly knock them down. You can’t lie and say they are not there because, they are. Each and every brick is there no matter how hard we try to deny it. The more you try to ignore them, the stronger they become, the more they become the foundation of our being, the meaning of who we are. That is not healthy, it is not how life should be but the wall is so powerful at times you just can’t seem to knock it down. 

     People say you should count your blessings. You try and you try to count them because you know that there are many blessings in life however, you fail over and over and over again. You count those blessings but the wall is stronger than you are and it is still there because while you see the positives on the other side each and every brick is still holding strong clouding your view.

     So once you know the bricks are in place and the wall is strong it is time to find a way to weaken the wall. Possibly the only way is to look at each brick in the wall one by one, accept the fact that they are there, that the wall is there, so you can toss it away making the wall weaker as you go. This process will not happen swiftly, the wall did not go up in a day. It took years to build, years of negatives, yeas of anger and years of frustration. So we can’t expect it to come down overnight. We just have to recognize each brick as we toss it aside. In the end the negatives might still remain a part of life, the bricks may be there because we do not always have control over the negatives in life but we can control how the bricks are placed. By recognizing them and realizing that they exist making us angry, upset and sometimes just plain livid, we are able to scatter them around so that we have a clear view of the positives on the other side.

     I have reached a point in my life where the negatives are consuming me. I have that sensation of deep anger, the anger and frustration that make me ill, strangles me most of the time making it hard to breathe. The anger that wakes me up at night, consumes my daily thoughts and has become a wall so tall I am unable to see the positives on the other side even though I count them often, even though I know they are there. The wall has consumed me and it is time to knock it down scattering the bricks around me because many of them will not go away, they just need to stop being a part of the wall.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

A Deeper Understanding of Suicial Feelings

     Lately life has been a huge struggle for me. So many things have fallen apart and I've felt hopeless. As I reflect on those thoughts it brings me to a better understanding of those who decide that this life is not worth it and end their own. They come to a place where they just feel no way out. Yes it is a selfish act, that is true because they are not considering the pain their loss will inflict on others however in their deep pain they also believe that their loss really won't hurt others as much as it will make others lives better.

     When my brother in law killed himself I was angry and thought of him as selfish. I still think that much of the time because his situation was a bit different than many, he was mad and drunk and going to "show all of us". He had not been depressed and I honestly believe had he been sober he would not have taken his own life. However others I have known must have been suffering deeply, felt like there was just no other way out. Yes I have thought them selfish at times but really aren't we all when it comes to our own pain. We want it to stop, we want it to go away, we all want to feel happy, not pain. Others don't feel our pain, yes they feel their own pain but they don't feel ours at the time.
     To better explain what I am trying to say I will delve deeper into this I and  will say that while I have not actually considered ending my own life, I have wished it would end. Just wished I would go to sleep and not wake up. Yes this is selfish and some people would be sad if I were gone however there are times when in my darkest moments I honestly believe many would be better off without me and the pain I feel while to others might not seem huge, to me is so painful that I am not sure I can bear it another moment.
     What keeps me from going further with these thoughts? My love of God and the fact that it would beak my moms heart. I know that she would not be able to bear it if I left this world so that keeps me here. My grandson also needs me here for now, sadly that is something I fear might change as I am not able to be as actively involved with his life anymore but for now he needs me. Realistically my kids would be financially better because of the life insurance I have. Yes they would be sad for a while but they could build their lives without me so for them sometime I think they would be better off if I were not in this world. The void that would be in their lives without me would be short lived...
    Those are feelings I have in my darkest moments which have been more frequent lately than I would like...my main driving force during those deep despair moments preventing me from going beyond the desire to not wake up, to taking the next step is mostly God, my mom and my little grandson, I know the void in my mom and his life would be everlasting.
      That said I have a deeper understanding of those who reach that point of helplessness and dive so deep into their own despair that nothing else matters. They see no way out, the pain is so strong and they feel like no one will really miss them, not that much, they do not understand the void left behind can never be filled. They do not have that belief in God that tells them things will get better...even if it does not seem so at the time....
     I have a much better understanding of those moments of despair, hopelessness and no way out people feel because yes in all honesty I feel them too at times. I think we all do but it is how we move beyond it that counts. It is reaching out to others to say that you feel in despair, it is also praying to God or even a higher power if you do not believe in God. Finding something or someone to keep you hanging in there, to give you hope that things will get better.
     This was not meant as a pity post because it is not a pity party when people feel such despair. It is true sadness and people need understanding. This post is to show my new found understanding of those who come to a point of helplessness to see that they are not alone...others go through
the same thing and I hope and pray they find something to keep them hanging on when they feel like letting go.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

40 Day Challenge to Be Grateful Even When Right Does Not Reign

     Very recently some things happened in my life that made me doubt God's presence, then I decided that I believe He is here but I am mad at Him. I prayed and prayed for things to turn out the right way in this situation. Many people were praying and I was confident God would be in control. I was confident He would not let Satan win but, in the end Satan did win so I became even more angry with God, more ready to turn away from Him.
     A good friend reminded me though that we all are free to choose right or wrong, we are free to choose the side of God or the side of Satan. Since the situation I was praying about involved someone else's choices I realize that I can't control the other persons choices. However those choices effect me and those I love so I still find myself angry that God did not touch the other persons heart instead of letting Satan take control
     I am still very hurt and very angry/ I am upset that God would not listen to my prayers. I also was reminded but this same friend that I can be mad at God. It is ok. I just should not pull away from Him which is what I have been fighting against the last few days. I am struggling very hard to have faith in Him, faith that He is in control and that He will always be in control even in situations that seem hopeless.
     So I will allow myself the anger, I will allow myself the pain and I will move forward to pray for those who are giving into Satan, I will pray that they turn to God and let Him have control.
     My friend suggested that I take a 40 day challenge and state something I am thankful for each day. I will take that challenge, I am sure there are little things on the worst days to be grateful for. Even in the midst of Satan's hands I know I still have things to be grateful for in life.
     Maybe through this my anger will subside and I will be able to have faith in God again.