Sunday, November 5, 2017

Recognizing the Negatives to See the Positives

     Earlier I wrote about recognizing the wall of negativity in life so that you can tear it down to see the positives on the other side. I have been so consumed by negative feelings lately that I just can’t seem to break through to the positives in my life that I know are on the other side of the wall. I can identify them and remember them but the negative is so strong that  I can’t seem to truly see them. This makes it hard to get through each day. It is difficult to function, to complete every day activities and to simply feel good. I am sad, miserable and much of the time angry. I tell myself I have so much to be thankful for and I should not let things get to me, to make me so angry. I work on it, pray on it and think I have things under control until I look at the wall and see those bricks as so very strong.

     Now my goal is to knock them down. To throw them from my wall so that it is no longer blocking my view of the positives lurking on the other side. I am sure this will be a regular process beause negavie things are powerful, they seem to grab us when we are not expecting them and knock the ground from under us hwne we are already down.

     My negatives might not be as bad as other people are experiencing but they are mine, they are what has built this wall and what keep it stong. My negative might outnumber the positives rignt now but once I start throwin them from the wall I might just be alble to forget them and eventually toss them away.

     Some of my negatives are not something I will put out there pubically. They are rough and things that I am really working on. I know what they are, I know my struggles and I think those negatives that we must keep to ourselves are the ones that might remain in our wall but that is ok as long as we remove enough to see the positives on the other side.

     My first negative that I can write about here is that one sorrow I feel over my kids growing up and no longer wanting me to be a part of their lives. That I think is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. It hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so very much and I want to be as important to them as they are to me. I thought  moving in with my oldest would make us close again but he has no time for me, he seems bothered if I try to talk to him and I feel like I am just a bother most of the time.

     My youngest and I used to be extremely close but for the last couple of years that has ended too. I moved away and he is still in Colorado so that makes it even harder but he has his own life which also does not include me. I think though that we could still have a good visit someday however just do not feel that important.

     Finances are some of the main bricks in my wall moving has completely drained me and destroyed me financially to the point I am not sure I will ever recover unless I get a second job.

     I live with people who keep me angry all of the time, I don’t like feeling that angry but lazy and dirty just make me angry. I might not be as stressed over it if I didn’t have so many other bricks in my wall.

     I miss my grandson terribly. He has been such an important part of my life since he was born and now I don’t see him as much as I want to. I blame myself for leaving but yet I do not want to go back to Colorado. He is the joy of my life though, he loves me still so very much so it is hard not being around him all of the time.

     My job is one of the biggest negatives in my life. I hate it, I feel inadequate and so much pressure there. Every day I have to go is pure torture. It is torture getting out of bed to go there and the entire day is torture while I am there. The only time I am happy during the week is when I get off. The people are nice enough but don’t really let you in…so it is lonely.

      I think loneliness is one of the other negatives now that is bothering me most of all. I thought it would be neat to be near friends here in Arizona but they all live on the other side of the city. I thought I would visit my son some but like I said, he never wants to be bothered by me. I am just in the way.

     Now that I have recognized the negatives, the things that keep me in constant turmoil I will look at the positives.

     The biggest is that my mom loves me more than anything in the world. I know that and I feel it. I enjoy when I am with her and she is my best friend.

    The other is my sweet little grandson who loves me unconditionally, he needs me and he loves to spend time with me.

     I am earning money at my job.

     God loves me.

     I have some great friends back in Colorado and New Mexico who truly truly love and care about me.

     I have a roof over my head.

     I have a car to drive.

     I have food to eat.

     I have lost some weight due to the stress so stress can be good.

     That is all I can think of for now. I will edit and add as I think of things. Hopefully this will help me focus on the positives and I hope the negative bricks are now on the ground.

Reconizing the Wall of Negativity is the First Step to Knocking it Down

     Sometimes in life the negatives seem to overcome us. They become these bricks that slowly build  this sturdy wall that seems to define us, becomes the essence of our being whether we want it to be or not. We try and try to knock the wall down but with every small brick we remove, the negatives march in making it stronger.  We feel like there are more negatives than positives, there are more bricks that are providing the foundation for our wall of negativity than ways of tearing it down.

       Each of these bricks are the  negatives  that make us feel angry, upset, so angry and upset that we feel shaky inside, and sick inside. These negatives strangle us most of the time making it hard to breathe. These are negatives that consume us, overwhelm us, and make it hard to see through them to the positives.

     Maybe, just maybe though while we are living through these times where the wall of negatives are clouding our view of the positives it is necessary to recognize them, to own them so that we can truly knock them down. You can’t lie and say they are not there because, they are. Each and every brick is there no matter how hard we try to deny it. The more you try to ignore them, the stronger they become, the more they become the foundation of our being, the meaning of who we are. That is not healthy, it is not how life should be but the wall is so powerful at times you just can’t seem to knock it down. 

     People say you should count your blessings. You try and you try to count them because you know that there are many blessings in life however, you fail over and over and over again. You count those blessings but the wall is stronger than you are and it is still there because while you see the positives on the other side each and every brick is still holding strong clouding your view.

     So once you know the bricks are in place and the wall is strong it is time to find a way to weaken the wall. Possibly the only way is to look at each brick in the wall one by one, accept the fact that they are there, that the wall is there, so you can toss it away making the wall weaker as you go. This process will not happen swiftly, the wall did not go up in a day. It took years to build, years of negatives, yeas of anger and years of frustration. So we can’t expect it to come down overnight. We just have to recognize each brick as we toss it aside. In the end the negatives might still remain a part of life, the bricks may be there because we do not always have control over the negatives in life but we can control how the bricks are placed. By recognizing them and realizing that they exist making us angry, upset and sometimes just plain livid, we are able to scatter them around so that we have a clear view of the positives on the other side.

     I have reached a point in my life where the negatives are consuming me. I have that sensation of deep anger, the anger and frustration that make me ill, strangles me most of the time making it hard to breathe. The anger that wakes me up at night, consumes my daily thoughts and has become a wall so tall I am unable to see the positives on the other side even though I count them often, even though I know they are there. The wall has consumed me and it is time to knock it down scattering the bricks around me because many of them will not go away, they just need to stop being a part of the wall.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

A Deeper Understanding of Suicial Feelings

     Lately life has been a huge struggle for me. So many things have fallen apart and I've felt hopeless. As I reflect on those thoughts it brings me to a better understanding of those who decide that this life is not worth it and end their own. They come to a place where they just feel no way out. Yes it is a selfish act, that is true because they are not considering the pain their loss will inflict on others however in their deep pain they also believe that their loss really won't hurt others as much as it will make others lives better.

     When my brother in law killed himself I was angry and thought of him as selfish. I still think that much of the time because his situation was a bit different than many, he was mad and drunk and going to "show all of us". He had not been depressed and I honestly believe had he been sober he would not have taken his own life. However others I have known must have been suffering deeply, felt like there was just no other way out. Yes I have thought them selfish at times but really aren't we all when it comes to our own pain. We want it to stop, we want it to go away, we all want to feel happy, not pain. Others don't feel our pain, yes they feel their own pain but they don't feel ours at the time.
     To better explain what I am trying to say I will delve deeper into this I and  will say that while I have not actually considered ending my own life, I have wished it would end. Just wished I would go to sleep and not wake up. Yes this is selfish and some people would be sad if I were gone however there are times when in my darkest moments I honestly believe many would be better off without me and the pain I feel while to others might not seem huge, to me is so painful that I am not sure I can bear it another moment.
     What keeps me from going further with these thoughts? My love of God and the fact that it would beak my moms heart. I know that she would not be able to bear it if I left this world so that keeps me here. My grandson also needs me here for now, sadly that is something I fear might change as I am not able to be as actively involved with his life anymore but for now he needs me. Realistically my kids would be financially better because of the life insurance I have. Yes they would be sad for a while but they could build their lives without me so for them sometime I think they would be better off if I were not in this world. The void that would be in their lives without me would be short lived...
    Those are feelings I have in my darkest moments which have been more frequent lately than I would main driving force during those deep despair moments preventing me from going beyond the desire to not wake up, to taking the next step is mostly God, my mom and my little grandson, I know the void in my mom and his life would be everlasting.
      That said I have a deeper understanding of those who reach that point of helplessness and dive so deep into their own despair that nothing else matters. They see no way out, the pain is so strong and they feel like no one will really miss them, not that much, they do not understand the void left behind can never be filled. They do not have that belief in God that tells them things will get better...even if it does not seem so at the time....
     I have a much better understanding of those moments of despair, hopelessness and no way out people feel because yes in all honesty I feel them too at times. I think we all do but it is how we move beyond it that counts. It is reaching out to others to say that you feel in despair, it is also praying to God or even a higher power if you do not believe in God. Finding something or someone to keep you hanging in there, to give you hope that things will get better.
     This was not meant as a pity post because it is not a pity party when people feel such despair. It is true sadness and people need understanding. This post is to show my new found understanding of those who come to a point of helplessness to see that they are not alone...others go through
the same thing and I hope and pray they find something to keep them hanging on when they feel like letting go.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

40 Day Challenge to Be Grateful Even When Right Does Not Reign

     Very recently some things happened in my life that made me doubt God's presence, then I decided that I believe He is here but I am mad at Him. I prayed and prayed for things to turn out the right way in this situation. Many people were praying and I was confident God would be in control. I was confident He would not let Satan win but, in the end Satan did win so I became even more angry with God, more ready to turn away from Him.
     A good friend reminded me though that we all are free to choose right or wrong, we are free to choose the side of God or the side of Satan. Since the situation I was praying about involved someone else's choices I realize that I can't control the other persons choices. However those choices effect me and those I love so I still find myself angry that God did not touch the other persons heart instead of letting Satan take control
     I am still very hurt and very angry/ I am upset that God would not listen to my prayers. I also was reminded but this same friend that I can be mad at God. It is ok. I just should not pull away from Him which is what I have been fighting against the last few days. I am struggling very hard to have faith in Him, faith that He is in control and that He will always be in control even in situations that seem hopeless.
     So I will allow myself the anger, I will allow myself the pain and I will move forward to pray for those who are giving into Satan, I will pray that they turn to God and let Him have control.
     My friend suggested that I take a 40 day challenge and state something I am thankful for each day. I will take that challenge, I am sure there are little things on the worst days to be grateful for. Even in the midst of Satan's hands I know I still have things to be grateful for in life.
     Maybe through this my anger will subside and I will be able to have faith in God again.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Don't Be Your Child's First Bully

     With bullying being so prevalent in this world today though social media and texting people tend to forget that the bully might not just be the person behind the computer screen, the actual bully sometimes is the person the child looks up to and loves the most,yes the parent. Now I don't believe many parents mean to bully their kids. I think it happens accidentally through the daily stresses of raising a child. It is important for parents to really stop and think of what they say and how they speak to their child. Yes, parents sometimes are their child's first bully. Having the bully at home makes it even harder to face the cyber bullies along with those at school.

    Things not to tell your kids: Don't say "you always do that." No one always does something, a child doesn't always forget to put away his toys, he doesn't always forget his homework. Always means there's no room for improvement The better thing to say is "you sure do struggle completing your homework, and you forget to put always your toys a lot of the time." That leaves room for improvement.

     Some parents in their anger cal their kids brats, tell them they are bad and sometimes even that they are dumb. I know many times a parent says those things in the heat of frustration at a disobedient child but those things are still harmful, hurtful and can not be taken back.

     My main reason for this blog though was for the parents who use absolutely no self control and are well, mean to their kids, they are their child's first bully.

     It is never ok to call a child stupid, if a child does something that is not that bright, tell them what they did was not smart but never say they are stupid. It is never ok to call a kid names like jerk or *
hole or any of the other curse words I've heard parents spew at their kids. I've heard parents call their kids stupid little jerks and worse and that is in public. I wonder what those poor kids hear when at home. It is bullying plain and simple!

     Kids are innocent and sweet young people, they grow into annoying teenagers who can be sweet at times. Regardless of how old they are kids need to know they are loved at home and do not need that first bully to live at home.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Hoaxes Aside-Rule of Thumb: Don't Add People to Your Facebook Friends List if You Do Not Know Them

I have been getting a message about not adding Jayden K Smith if he sends a friend request on Facebook today, July 9, 2017. I had seen that same message a while back and many others like it before so I researched it and many sites say it is a hoax. the site I trust most, Snopes, says it is a hoax. I do not understand why people start these hoaxes except maybe to flood the internet.IT has flooded my private messages for sure because it also says that even if your friends accept the request you will get a virus too. I honestly do not know how that is possible and all sites I have researched have said it is not possible. The day that I can get a virus from what others on Facebook do is the day I will say farewell to Facebook.
My rule of thumb is that I never add people to my friends list unless I know them and I always ask how they know me before I add them. I have received requests from people who I've never heard of, I ask how they know me and they never respond so....I delete the request. Or there are times I get a request from an already friend, that is when I ask my friend why they sent me a request and know that they have been hacked. I don't add famous people because well, they don't know me so why would they want to add me to their list? Really, if I received a friend request from Johnny Depp a red flag would go up since I am just, well, me and he does not know me from the man in the moon so would have no reason to friend me. It would obviously be a hack.
So folks best rule of thumb is to be careful out there in the world of Facebook. Know who your friends are...


Saturday, July 8, 2017

Why Do Men Love Boobs?

    Lets talk about boobs, yes boobs, you know those things that men think are so amazing and froth at the mouth over. They go absolutely crazy over them, if a woman's are big a man will not even look her in the eye because he is fixated by her boobs. Men think they are wonderful, amazing and want their woman to have big ones. Some men even pay for their woman to enlarge hers.
     News flash though from someone who has been cursed and saddled with big ones, they are not fun, they are not something we love, they are just two big blobs of fat that are connected to the front of our body. They get bigger as we gain weight and then are hard to rid ourselves of as we lose.
     They really are just fat, as I gained weight they got bigger. I did not like them and was not happy about that. Now even when I lose weight though, they remain a larger, fatter part of my body.
     Do men like our stomach rolls? Many do not, so why on earth would they like boobs?
     So seriously, I wonder what on earth it is that a man finds appealing about these two blobs of fat that serve no purpose after child rearing years are done..They are just...there, hanging low as we grow older.
     When I was younger I noticed that many  men rarely looked me in the eye, they just looked at my chest. It was to say the least very annoying. I found them to  be rude and disrespectful. I mean I had a face, I looked them in the eye so why not show me the same respect.
     Anyhow back to my question, why oh why do men love those blobs of fat we call boobs?