Today I Cried

      I wrote this on March 26, 2025. So many thoughts were flooding my mind. It is about how grief is messy, its so all over the place. One minute you are ok, the next you are a mess. you slowly learn to "wear" it. This poem is just a walk through all of the thoughts and emotions that can flood your mind all at one time and how messy and all over the place that can be. It is as messy in your head as this poem is on paper. Writing it down helps me process things. 

 

Today I Cried

I cried for you today

    It’s been a while since I’ve cried 

I usually fight back the tears, 

     when I feel them coming on. 

But some days there’s no fighting them.

    They flow.

Today I cried -

     not because I feel hopeless 

     not because my life has no joy

I cried because there are things 

     I want to tell you, but can’t -

It’s hard coming home alone every single day. 

    I get so very lonesome for the company of others.

Life isn’t going quite as I want it to.

    There are things that make me sad.

There are things that are stressful 

    Most days I feel so very alone 

There are times when I am around people 

     but not people I love,

         or who love me.

Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.

    I feel unnecessary, like a failure,

 like there’s no where I belong,

      and sometimes unloved.

I need you to tell me that I am being over sensitive,

       that no matter what, you love me.

There are also many things that make me smile,

    good things I want to share with you,

  about things I find joyful.

That I am slowly finding meaning again,

     life is once again worth living.

 

I miss calling you every night 

     to tell you about my day,

    to ask about yours. 

I miss coming home 

    and having you there to hug.

         

   I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in two years

I miss having someone who loves me unconditionally.

  even when I am unlovable.

I miss having a shoulder to cry on

  When my heart feels like it’s breaking.

I am trying so very hard to move forward,

    but there are times I backslide.

I am trying to find my place in this world without you.

     Sometimes I am ok,

     Others times I am a mess,

   and sometimes I am just scared,

my heart always aches.

I am trying to keep the last promise I made to you and be ok.

     Some days it’s just not easy 

     Some days I am sad.

 Sometimes I am not sure I can keep hanging on.

     But then I think of the love you gave me 

     I find the strength to keep going.

Life is hard without you 

I am lost so much of the time.

I want to hug you.

I want to hear your voice,

See your smile.

touch your face

tell you how much I love you and miss you.

feel comforted when you tell me it will all be ok.

     

My heart ached simply

     because I miss you so deeply.

So today I cried

     because of all these things

      that I wanted to tell you

          were swirling around, 

     all mixed up in my head,

             heavy on my heart

       encompassing me completely.

One thing is different though,

     as I cried today. 

I didn't cry because I felt broken. 

I didn’t cry because I felt hopeless.

 You weren't here to tell

    all of these things.

       That made me cry.