Closer to Okay
I enjoyed life today,
without guilt creeping in saying its wrong to feel joy.
I felt a small glimmer of hope for a while,
guilt wasn’t there to push my hope away.
I was happy for an entire day,
without guilt bringing me down.
I didn’t sob over you today,
guilt didn’t make my head hurt because I didn’t sob.
I didn’t dwell on losing you today,
guilt didn’t tell me I am forgetting you.
This same day,
I remembered you with a smile.
I loved you with my entire heart.
I missed you by my side.
I wished you were here.
I wanted to talk to you.
I needed your wisdom.
I allowed myself to softly cry.
I realized I can miss you.
I can need you.
And at the same time,
I can feel joy,
I can have hope,
all because of you.
You are always in my heart,
I will never forget you.
At times I will cry,
other times I will sob.
There will be times when missing you is unbearable.
There will be times my head throbs as I hold back the tears
Only to feel relief when I allow them to flow.
At times guilt will creep in,
But the love you left me
will not let it consume me.
Today I give myself the grace
to move forward
without forgetting who you were,
and who I am.
Because that is the best way
to honor you and what you meant to me.
I am not there yet -
But with every passing day
I get closer.
There are times guilt still creeps in,
to tell me I am wrong,
to tell me being happy means I am forgetting you.
There are times grief consumes me,
but with each passing day
I move closer to being okay
without always being okay.
By Kim E. Miller
This poem was written on March 18, 2025 which is the same day two years ago that my mom woke up crying because she had a dream that this man was reaching for her hand and she didn’t want to go with him. She wasn’t afraid, she just didn’t want to go. She was worried about me, that I would not be ok without her. I had to lie to her and tell her that I would be ok, that she should take his hand if he came to her again. Because I loved her so much and knew for her it was best if she took his hand.
Two days later she took His hand.
It has been so very hard and I have not been ok most of the time. However, I realize as I have gone through my grief journey that honoring her is to make that lie a truth and do what I promised her I would do… be ok.
I finally recognize that I will be sad and I will cry but I can also be happy and live my life without letting her loss consume me. I need to feel the sorrow and do the things we used to do, to be ok with the pain in doing those things instead of avoiding the things we loved.
The grief is a part of my life now because of the great love but it does not need to define me anymore.
I will never forget her and there will always be a hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. There will be times, places, dates that are extra painful. The time before she left this world is one of the hardest and will most likely always be a time that I re-live and feel the same heartache I felt as I went through watching her die and take her final breath. There will be times when my head throbs because I hold back the tears that need to flow
and the only release is allowing them to flow freely. On the anniversary of her death I will feel the same sorrow as I did the day she died.
I need to recognize that so I can get through it. I hope in time it doesn’t hurt as much but maybe the anniversary dates, holidays and birthdays will still hurt just as much as the day she died. I will know in time.
That is ok and feeling that pain does not mean I am not ok, it means I loved her and I miss her and nothing will ever take her place in my heart.
This is my new normal, my new life and even though I am sad at times, I can also be joyful and find hope.That is the best way I can honor her memory and what she would want for me. I am not there yet, it will take more time, I don’t even know how much more time but I am working on it.
This is my dedication to her memory, what she means to me, Being able to feel joy and find hope again
