Lately life has been a huge struggle for me. So many things have fallen apart and I've felt hopeless. As I reflect on those thoughts it brings me to a better understanding of those who decide that this life is not worth it and end their own. They come to a place where they just feel no way out. Yes it is a selfish act, that is true because they are not considering the pain their loss will inflict on others however in their deep pain they also believe that their loss really won't hurt others as much as it will make others lives better.
When my brother in law killed himself I was angry and thought of him as selfish. I still think that much of the time because his situation was a bit different than many, he was mad and drunk and going to "show all of us". He had not been depressed and I honestly believe had he been sober he would not have taken his own life. However others I have known must have been suffering deeply, felt like there was just no other way out. Yes I have thought them selfish at times but really aren't we all when it comes to our own pain. We want it to stop, we want it to go away, we all want to feel happy, not pain. Others don't feel our pain, yes they feel their own pain but they don't feel ours at the time. To better explain what I am trying to say I will delve deeper into this I and will say that while I have not actually considered ending my own life, I have wished it would end. Just wished I would go to sleep and not wake up. Yes this is selfish and some people would be sad if I were gone however there are times when in my darkest moments I honestly believe many would be better off without me and the pain I feel while to others might not seem huge, to me is so painful that I am not sure I can bear it another moment.
What keeps me from going further with these thoughts? My love of God and the fact that it would beak my moms heart. I know that she would not be able to bear it if I left this world so that keeps me here. My grandson also needs me here for now, sadly that is something I fear might change as I am not able to be as actively involved with his life anymore but for now he needs me. Realistically my kids would be financially better because of the life insurance I have. Yes they would be sad for a while but they could build their lives without me so for them sometime I think they would be better off if I were not in this world. The void that would be in their lives without me would be short lived...
Those are feelings I have in my darkest moments which have been more frequent lately than I would like...my main driving force during those deep despair moments preventing me from going beyond the desire to not wake up, to taking the next step is mostly God, my mom and my little grandson, I know the void in my mom and his life would be everlasting.
That said I have a deeper understanding of those who reach that point of helplessness and dive so deep into their own despair that nothing else matters. They see no way out, the pain is so strong and they feel like no one will really miss them, not that much, they do not understand the void left behind can never be filled. They do not have that belief in God that tells them things will get better...even if it does not seem so at the time....
I have a much better understanding of those moments of despair, hopelessness and no way out people feel because yes in all honesty I feel them too at times. I think we all do but it is how we move beyond it that counts. It is reaching out to others to say that you feel in despair, it is also praying to God or even a higher power if you do not believe in God. Finding something or someone to keep you hanging in there, to give you hope that things will get better.
This was not meant as a pity post because it is not a pity party when people feel such despair. It is true sadness and people need understanding. This post is to show my new found understanding of those who come to a point of helplessness to see that they are not alone...others go through
the same thing and I hope and pray they find something to keep them hanging on when they feel like letting go.
