Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Year that Just Was and Goals that Will Become

As I sit here reflecting on the year that has passed, on the winter break that is almost over and the New Years Eve that is dreary and dull I keep reminding myself that I have many things for which I am blessed, winter break does not have to be exciting and it is not required that a person has a fun New Years Eve, in fact tomorrow nothing will be any different from today except I have to learn to write a new date....(which I will fail at for months lol)

I reflect on the fact that I am not happy or sad to see the year come to a close, it has had its ups and downs but the changing of the date won't change I feel the blues and feel restless, my winter break has been ok, nothing great, most of the time not really stressful but not stressless.... well, it WAS, the word was is the past tense of be which is defined as existing or just taking place so, that is how I would define my winter break...for the most part not that fun except for a few days, but not horrid either.again it WAS.

It is ok for things to just be but sometimes that does feel less rewarding. Sometimes it results in feeling the blues but as I reflect on that thought I also realize that my feeling the blues might be the dreary weather. I need the sunshine to help boost my mood. I think that is the root of my mood this time of year and the reason my winter break was nothing special.

I will not make resolutions because they are pointless, I rarely keep them. I do have goals and plan to work toward them. If I work toward my goals they will become my reality and in a year hopefully my reflection will be that the year was not just WAS, it was was fun...and it was productive...

I feel a bit like I am jumping around here with my words, I guess I am because my thoughts are jumping around too. I want to be productive and as I was writing I realized that I have not felt productive for a long time and although I do have fun times I don't have fun most of the time. Most of the time I just am. My goal is to get more out of life than it just being.

My is to finish my MA in Gifted Ed and get my endorsement, the next is to find a job in Arizona and then move. Before that a goal is to re-finance and then sell my home. My health goal is to lose 50lbs. I hope to reach my goals or at least some of them...

I look forward to the sunshine which will help the new year be more than the last one....

Friday, December 30, 2016

Was 2016 Really the Worst Year Ever?

     As I sit here thinking about New Years Eve and the new year to come I ponder the year that we are leaving behind. I've heard some people say that it was a bad year for them because they either didn't get the job they wanted or their wished didn't come true. I've heard people say it was "the worst year ever." They are glad to see the year end....I got to thinking on my year in review and well, even though it was not a fantastic year, work has been a nightmare since September, I am struggling financially, more than I think I ever have  and nothing exciting happened except of course my yearly trip to California, I really do not feel I can complain.

     All of these thoughts lead me to thinking about the recent loss of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, not my loss but the loss Debbie's son, Carries brother is feeling now. He lost his mom and sister within two days of each other.  I thought of my cousin who lost her mom, my cousin who lost his wife, my friend who lost her son, my colleagues who lost their sister and our staff and students who lost a wonderful teacher and friend. I think of all who have lost loved ones in 2016 and their sorrow. My career problems and financial issues pale in comparison to those losses. Yes I felt the pain of many of the losses, Carrie Fisher was one of my favorite actresses, I loved my cousins mom, I loved my cousins wife (my cousin too), and I thought the world of the teacher/friend I lost however my pain is nothing compared to those closest to them.

     I can either learn to adjust to the career problems or change jobs, someday I might do better financially, if not well, I'll survive. All other problems I've had in 2016 can either be fixed or I can learn to deal with them. Those who lost loved ones will never get them back and that pain will get easier in time but for them, they will learn to deal with the pain in time but it will still hurt. When they look back on this year they will always remember it as  one of the worst years ever.

     So instead of complaining about what I did not have in the year and saying that I am glad to see it end I will remind myself of all that I do have and pray for those who have lost something special in the year 2016. I pray that the new year is a better year for them, that God will find comfort in God's loving arms and that I will remember how lucky I am and how all of the things of this world do not mean nears as much as those we love .

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Walking Down Memory Lane Brings Smile and Tears

     Today as I was looking for a picture of myself dressed as Princess Leah I took a walk down memory lane. As I took this walk I realized that no amount of time could pass that makes the pain of losing a loved one go away. Yes time helps us deal with the pain but it is never gone.
     I decided to find the copy of myself as Leah because of the sadness I feel at Carrie Fishers passing today. I loved her as Leah, she was an inspiration. This post is not about her though, I will write a tribute to her later on. This is about my trip through my photos and the memories that flooded my mind as I took that trip.
     I had to go as far back as the early 80's to find the picture of me dressed as Leah. It was back in 1980 actually, Halloween when I worked at McDonalds as a teenager. Of course I had to look at shots from the 80's, and the 90's. Shots of old, retro shots that brought back a flood of memories, tears and yes I felt the sorrow of loss while I also smiled and felt a flood of happiness and love because of the beautiful memories.
     I found pictures of my brother in law first of all, pictures of him and my then husband when we were all having so much fun. The memories that flooded my mind were of the fun we had, of the sorrow I feel that my marriage did not work out, the sadness I feel when I look at my then healthy husband, handsome and young who now looks like he is 90 when he is only 50 resulting from alcohol dementia. The saddest feeling I had surrounding my brother in law though is losing him at such a young age to suicide. I still miss him terribly and wonder what would have been...
     Then I saw pictures of my ex mother in law and father in law who at the time I loved dearly. I smiled at the fun times we had and felt sorrow because my father in law is gone. My mother in law is gone too but we were not close when she died, however I do feel sadness over that because at one time we were very close. I also feel sad that her own son left her to die alone because he "could not handle watching her die." Even though she and I were not close, that thought breaks my heart. I also do miss the fun times we had.
     Other pictures were of family gatherings where my Aunt Ginger and Uncle Jim were there. I was very close to them both and miss them so much every day.
     I found pictures of my cousin Annette V and am sad that she left us so young. I am sad for my dear cousin and his kids at the great loss they feel. It has not been that long since she left us and so it is still new. I miss her great wit and laughter.
     Then there's my aunt Willie, the duncie. Oh how I miss that sweet great aunt of mine. She as so much fun. I remember going on vacations with her and Uncle Winston who I miss too. Aunt Willie and I would fight over sea shells and laugh about it later. We had so much fun in Mesa, Az and just about everything we did.
     I found shots of my Grandma Moore who was so very thoughtful and wise. She always gave my kids a can of olives for their birthday and Christmas because they loved olives and that was all she could afford. Those were the best gifts of all because they came from her heart.
     There are many pictures of my Grandma and Grandpa Butt that made me cry, I miss them so very much. I remember them always holding hands and that makes me smile. I remember grandma getting after him, he is the only person I ever heard her raise her voice to but I knew she loved him dearly. The called each other dear and had a love for each other that I always wished I could find. Grandpa left us many years before grandma. She went to Disneyland with us and many other things. I have so many memories of the times I spent with all of them.
     The flood of memories as I walked down memory lane through my photo albums were sad and beautiful at the same time. They also reminded me that the pain of the loss is just as great today as it was at the time. time just helps us accept and cope with the loss.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Limited Vocabulary Base or Just Not Understanding Word Context?

     I have written about my dislike of the F word before but decided to go even farther with my writing about the word. I hear it used in so many different contexts and well, I wonder if people really know what it means, I wonder if people really know how to use it in context and I wonder why people wish to use a word that “doesn’t really mean anything”?  I wonder if many people who use the word have such a limited vocabulary that they just throw it in there for lack of knowing what else to say?

     When I was younger the word was not even in the dictionary, it was out there but it was just slang.  Then later the Merriam Webster dictionary defines F word as Vulgar/slang and states that it means 1. Have sexual intercourse with someone and 2. Ruin or damage something. That is the current definition of the F  word that was not a word in the dictionary until around 1972. Even so it is still listed as slang and as vulgar.

     I have always known what the word meant even before it became “defined”.  When I grew up it was used to explain sex in the most vulgar form. If you slept with someone just for sex then it was used. If people had group sex, it was used. Yes it was used also when people were so angry that they could not even come up with another word and some people used it to call others names.  Many teens used it to be cool but many kids did not see them that way. That is how the word was used when I grew up.

     Now I hear it interjected just as any other word. To me it sounds vulgar and well, also makes me wonder if the person speaking has such a limited vocabulary that the only word they can interject is that word, I also wonder if they know what it means. It is often used as an adjective which makes me really wonder if some people know what an adjective is.  Some examples I hear are. That is just as cute as F”, He is so f ing adorable”, “what the F just happened?” “That cool as F.” “I saw that on the fing TV and it was so fing cool.” So in context this means. "That is as cute as sex", or "he is so damaged or ruined adorable." Maybe “What he sex just happened?” or “That is as cool as damaged or ruined.” and "I saw that on the damaged TV, it was so sex.”  Used in those ways makes it sound rather, well, like the person using it is of limited intellect or limited

     Don’t get me wrong, I know that all people who use the word are not ignorant, and I understand that sometimes people get angry so they use the most vulgar word imaginable because it is the most vulgar word they can used to portray how angry they feel. But to use it all of the time, as an adjective or noun or in any other form to me shows they either have limited intelligence or maybe just limited vocabulary. I hear people used it a lot and it saddens me that our society is so limited in its vocabulary base that people accept the use of such a vulgar and ignorant sounding word as nothing more than “just a word.” What saddens me even more is that some people I hear say it on a regular basis are rather intelligent people after all. Maybe they just do not realize they are using a word that makes them appear to have a limited vocabulary base.

     So there you have it, not only does the word just sound vulgar and disgusting to me but it also is used out of context so often that I find it hard to believe the user possesses much of a vocabulary base. 

+adjective +"f" word +vulgar word

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Christmas Memories of Grandma and Grandpas House

     When I was a kid all of my family would gather at grandma and grandpas house for Christmas. We didn't live in the same town so we traveled to visit but then my aunts, uncles and cousins would come over too. I remember smelling breakfast on Christmas morning, hearing grandmas cuckoo clock as I slept in the night and sleeping on the floor with my cousins waiting excitedly for Christmas day.

     One Christmas Eve we drove to my aunt and uncles house on the reservation. When we got there we all sang Christmas songs. We ate dinner and headed back to grandma and grandpas house singing Christmas songs all the way.

     On Christmas Day many of the family would come to grandmas house to eat dinner. Most years there was a lot of snow so us kids went outside to sled down the hill near grandmas house. This was back when the traffic was slow and you could do these things. I also remember just pulling each other in the street.

     We would all sit down to dinner, usually the kids had a smaller table in the living room, then after we ate dinner the adults cleaned the kitchen and played cards or marbles.
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     In later years when I was an adult and lived in the same town with grandma and grandpa we would not all gather at their house for Christmas dinner but some of us would go over for dinner and then throughout the day many others would stop by and visit or play games until late at night.

     Grandma and grandpa have both left us, we no longer meet for the holidays because everyone has their own family gatherings and traditions. Thinking of those times brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes because they are such wonderful memories and I wish I could have those times back. I will never forget those memories of Christmas at grandma and grandpas house though, those were simple and loving times.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

When Aromas Take You to a Happy Place

Aromas can take you to a sad and troublesome place but there are many smells that can take you to a happy place. There are some smells that I would expect take me to a happy place while there are odd smells that take me there too...take me to my laughing place.

I can't really pinpoint what smells take me back to happy times as a teenager. Sometimes I will smell something and be there. Then there are distinct smells that take me to happy places. One such smell is cotton candy. Just a whiff of cotton candy takes me to Main Street USA Disneyland. I am there, walking into the park where I feel happy and care free.

The smell of caramel transports me to Pooh's Corner store where I am just wandering around after riding Splash Mountain. Yes again at Disneyland.

Oranges take me Soarin, back to riding Soarin Over California at Disney's California Adventure Park. One of my favorite places to be.

The odd smell that takes me to Disneyland is the smell of must. Whenever I smell must I am transported to Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland. Not just the ride but I am going down the first drop screaming and laughing. Then I am singing "Pirates Life for Me".

NOt all aromas that take you back are pleasant but they can take you to happy times in life. Yes most smells take me to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure Park but then it is my laughing place.

Alcohol Aroma: The Negative Impact of Certain Smells

Aromas are interesting; just one smell can take you to back to the best times in your life where you feel happy and carefree. Then on the other end of the spectrum smells can take you to some of the worst times of your life bringing back just about every negative time and feeling you ever had. The smell that has a negative impact on my emotions is alcohol. The smell of alcohol takes me to the worst times in my life.

Drinking alcohol does not make people bad. I know that. Not all people have problems with alcohol but for me it is a problem and it does not fit into my life in any way, shape or form.  Just the smell literally is toxic to me.

Alcohol had done nothing in my life except cause pain. My ex husband was mentally abusive when he drank, it destroyed my marriage. He even made me hate the saying “its five o’clock somewhere” because that was one of his favorite sayings when I would tell him 9 AM was too early to start drinking.

I lived through my brother-in- laws suicide because of alcohol. I watched my ex husband drink himself into dementia and I’ve seen the abuse of it destroy so many things in mine and others lives. It has caused nothing but harm and destruction.

Whenever I smell alcohol it takes me back to every time my ex husband told me it was five o’clock somewhere, every time he yelled or belittled me because I was …myself…every time I counted the beers he drank, found the hidden bottles, was embarrassed by his behavior around my family and friends. Every fear I had that someone might come over to my house when he was drunk. Every time I stayed up late so he would pass out on the couch so I did not have to sleep in the same room. Every time he looked at me with those bloodshot eyes and spoke with that slurred speech that made my stomach turn.

My ex drinking all of the time is not the only negative experience I have had with alcohol but it is most prominent in my mind when I smell the stuff. I don’t think people understand what the smell does not me, how dreadfully negative the impact aroma has on my emotions.

Yes people can drink and it has no impact on their lives, for me though just the aroma is detrimental. 

Saturday, December 10, 2016

How to Cope With Bullies in the Workplace?

    This post is not to tell how I cope with bullies in the workplace, it is asking my readers if they have any suggestions for me to cope with the bullies in my workplace. I wrote in an earlier post about how I was bullied at work for my honesty. I still have to deal with those bullies and well, I do not handle them well. I am hoping someone can tell me how to handle them, how to deal better without letting them impact my thoughts, my health and my mental well being.

     Thankfully I do not have to be around my bullies every day. I don't see them often but, they do have an impact on my job and I will have to deal with them more as the year progresses.  I will have to deal with one of them on a regular basis in the future and well, I am not sure how I am going to cope. The thought makes me literally sick to my stomach. What is hardest of all is that the bully I will deal with isn't even the one who bullied me however she is a part of the group of bullies and I have watched her bully others. When I deal with those who bullied me and took my position away I do get physically ill and feel my mental health is at risk because of the extreme stress.

     One of the bullies enters our building from time to time and well, I avoid her as much as I can. I just cannot even stomach her. It isn't even something I do consciously. My stomach gets all tied in knots when I hear her voice. I feel the same stress and sadness I felt when she caused me to lose my position at work for being honest. When I do speak to her I am civil and professional but I can't just can't cover my dislike for her. I can't pretend to be nice and sweet to her. I just cannot make myself do that and well really I should not have to. I am professional and that is all I should have to be. But, I shouldn't have to feel the stress when she is near. She doesn't have to even do anything for me to feel that stress, she just has to  be in the building. And she is the one who told me that this was all God's plan, His doing. That is not at all true, God would not do that.

     I don't see the main bully thankfully, she has pretty much faded away and I hope it stays that way. As for the other bully, I worry about what I am going to do once I have to be around her more often. It makes me sick and feel such stress. I just don't know how I am going to be around this person and not show my complete and total dislike for her....well, actually I do not have to like her or show that i like her, I just have to be civil and professional but am not sure how to do that once I am around her on a regular basis.

     Any ideas and thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. I will update on this as things progress. Thankfully the holiday season is near and I will have a break from worrying about the bullies. But when I return the worry will begin again. I keep hoping somehow the bullies will magically disappear.

Bullying in the Workplace